Thers's no parenting manual?

I often question my parenting. Am I too laid back? Am I too hard on the kids? What do I do now? Am I teaching my children well? What if I screw them up? I suppose it is natural to have these thoughts as a parent, but they plague me because this is something truly important...okay, so I am the master of the obvious! But seriously, I want my children to grow up with good morals and manners, self-confidence but not arrogance, the ability to make good choices out of respect to themselves and others, compassion, ambition, sensibility, a drive to succeed (but not to the point where life is nothing but work, work, work!), an openness to allow their hearts to love...I guess pretty much what every mother wants for her children. And I am afraid to make too many mistakes. But where is my manual?

Working with preschoolers prior to having my own children gave me the experience I needed with young children, but could never have prepared me for having my own. No one could tell me what to expect when I was expecting, and honestly, I really did not want to listen anyway. I knew it would be an experience that I would have to go into alone, and that only becoming a parent and experiencing it firsthand would teach me what I needed to know. I only hoped that I could use some of what my parents have taught me that has helped me in my life and mold it into my own parenting skills. I guess I have done that, but it is not enough to put my mind at ease.

I know the world is a cruel place, although I love seeing it through my children's eyes. I love to see the innocence and the trust that only a young child can experience from lack of experience. That is never something I tire of. But I know I must do my part to prepare Coulby and Caroline for the world that is waiting for them, which is often not at all what I would like it to be. True, there is good in this world, and I have experienced and witnessed it firsthand. I want my children to be people who bring even more good into the world. Even just two people can make a difference. And I guess that is what bothers me so much. That I am responsible for guiding them into adulthood to become the do-gooders that I want them to be.

Every time I lose my patience I feel like I have let them down. When I am not paying enough attention to them, or when I do not seize a moment to enlighten them, or I miss a praiseworthy moment, I feel like I am letting them down. There are so many times when I have let an opportunity come and go and then I later wish I could turn back the hands of time. The reality of it all is that this is going to happen no matter how hard I try to keep it from happening. Because I am human. And I am a mother. And both of these realities are against me because neither humans nor mothers are perfect. Although some of us like to think we are! Ha!

I have learned that there is nothing I can do but try my best to be a good mother and person, and hope this will result in two kids who grow into a beautiful young man and woman. I see their personalities coming out more and more with each day that passes, and I see the person each is becoming. I smile when I get a "please" or a "thank you," or when Coulby or Caroline go out of their way to do something far beyond their years. I guess those are the moments to cling to. Those are the moments to build upon.

As I drove Coulby around on my father-in-law's newest toy, a gator, the other day, he looked at me with this smile on his face that just showed how pleased he was to be riding beside me; just the two of us. He said, "I love you, mommy," which made me just about break down in tears. Just the simplicity of it--that he was feeling that way at that moment and expressed himself without prompting or hesitation was enough for me to feel like maybe I am not doing such a bad job after all. Of course I am sure that one day I will hear the, "I hate you, mom," that so many mothers before me have heard, but I hope that it will be because I am making a decision that he will one day thank me for, realizing that it was in his best interest. I have been there myself with my own mother, who did not always make the most popular decisions, but always made them with me in mind, as I discovered later in my life. And how did she know she was doing the right thing then? I guess maybe she was winging it too, just like me. So maybe there is hope after all...

For all the stay-at-home mommies out there...

I stay home with my kids. Because I think it is the best thing that I can do for them. And because I did not want to miss a thing as they grew up and started crawling, walking, talking. Making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom was difficult, because it meant giving up that life outside of the home and a second income. But it is the best decision I have ever made. Not because it is an easy job--in fact, it is the hardest job in the world. Well, in my humble opinion. So I find it comical that people think it must be wonderful to be home all the time. You know, with all that "down time" that I have to do what I want around the house. This is a tribute to all of you stay-at-home moms who know exactly what I am talking about...

I was due April 22, 2004 with Coulby. I was huge by the end of my pregnancy with him...turns out he was a big boy, especially for my 5'4" frame. So I looked huge and felt extremely uncomfortable and was ready to have the baby and move on. Not that I did not love being pregnant, because I actually did, but by the end I had, had it. Plus I had started dilating and was 100% effaced by mid-March, so I thought Coulby was going to make his grand entrance much sooner than my due date. He did not. He was born April 25, 2004. And that is when everything as I knew it changed. Drastically. Not just bringing-a-new-baby-home change, but bringing a new baby WITH a metabolic disorder into our lives. and it was then that I knew I had made the right choice to stay at home with Coulby. I would never have trusted anyone to meet the very specific needs that Coulby has. I would have been a nervous wreck. I was anyway! So this started my journey into stay-at-home motherhood.

That first year threatened to break me--my spirit, my sanity, my sense of self, my patience...you name it! Metabolic disorder aside, I went from being an active working woman with a second part-time job while working on my Master's degree, to being a mom. At home. Alone with an infant. Very little socialization. Very little time for me. Very little sleep. Often times it was too much of a hassle to try to go out anywhere. You know, packing up the bottle bag, the diaper bag, loading the baby into the car seat, and carrying all of these things to the car at the same time! (On a good note, this taught me how to carry all of my groceries into the house in ONE trip!) Coulby was a pretty good baby, but he had his moments! And those were the days that my husband would come home from work and would not even have made it to the door before I was handing him a crying baby, as I was crying. Oh, and when I really needed Coulby to nap, so I could get something done or take a nap myself, those were the days when he would hit the crib and scream in protest. I would pick him up again, calm him, go to lay him back in the crib, and the screaming would start again. And so it went: pick up, calm, lay down, screaming baby, repeat. On top of everything else, Coulby did have several hospitalizations in his first year, and we were always worried about him and keeping him healthy. I swore I would not make it through that first year. But I did. And by February 2006, I must have forgotten about all of the stuff with Coulby, because I was pregnant again!

Isn't it funny how we have a baby and then all of that infancy stuff disappears from our minds (sleep deprivation and all of its effects, early mornings, late nights, spit up, the bewitching hours, teething, diapers, drool...) so we can have another baby? I think if people really remembered all of the difficult things about having a baby, they would not go on to have any more children. I think it is the good things, like all of the firsts, and the toothless smiles, and the happy baby giggles, that we remember the most. Because the good things far outweigh the difficult. They make it worth it.

Caroline was due on November 1, 2006, and arrived October 29, 2006. I was amazed at how easy it was to bring her home. We got to experience all of the new baby stuff that we missed out on having Coulby and all of his medical issues. Plus Caroline was like a little dream baby. Quiet, content, just easy. And I had settled in to being a stay-at-home mom, too. I think that made the biggest difference in bringing her home. Coulby had to suffer all of my insecurities of being a new parent, as well as my adjustment to being home.

And now, I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom. It is the hardest job in the world. Every day is new and unscripted. The day revolves around the kids and their moods and their needs, and some are not always fun. Nap times still do not always go smoothly, and I suck it up and say, "oh well," to any quiet time to myself. I spend much of my days chasing after Coulby to get him to drink formula, or rescuing the cat from the attacking children, or cleaning up Caroline's pencil wall art. There are toys everywhere, cleverly hidden in baskets that get dumped upside down, spilling all of the contents out. I pick up those toys about five times a day...at least. I change poopy diapers (and sometimes they are the ones that make my eyes water), remind Coulby to use the potty before we leave the house (and he STILL has to go right when we get in the car or to a store!), try to squeeze time in to do mountainous piles of laundry, and put the "time-out" chair into use when my little boy pushes the limits (making me long for the days when all he could do was scream). I think in mommy terms now, and have accepted the "mommy brain" as part of the territory. I always say that I will be smart again...some day. I do not get out much and I have not had a "date" with my husband in forever, and i often wonder if I will know myself anymore by the time the kids are both in school all day every day.

But I also laugh. I laugh at my kids and the funny things they come up with. I laugh when Coulby makes up his own songs, or Caroline starts dancing to those songs. And even when she breaks open eggs on our counter or pours salt all over the table or pepper on my bagel and in my coffee. What else can you do but laugh? These kids are funny. They are not wallflowers that say "Yes, ma'am," or sit with their hands folded in their laps, never breaking a rule. They live!

My husband has the glamorous job (or so many people think), so a lot of time when asked what both of us do, I feel the limelight bypass me. And that is okay. Because I know what I do as a mom, and I know how difficult and wonderful and frustrating and fun it can be! Moms make the world go 'round, especially those brave enough to be stay-at-home moms. I applaud you all!!